i can't fix this

odd.

i had a dream last night about tornadoes...like a bunch of them. this definition is so oddly accurate:

"To see several tornadoes in your dream, represent people around you who are prone to violent outbursts and shifting mood swings. It may also symbolize a volatile situation or relationship."

no one's prone to violent outbursts or a volatile relationship. but matt's been having emotional difficulties lately, or more accurately, he's told me about the depression he's had. we had a long, upsetting talk about it friday night. he's decided to see someone about it. it was kind of a big decision for him. he always refused seeing a doctor because he didn't want to be a "medicated zombie," but it's gotten to a point where he's tired of being sad and he doesn't think it's fair to me.

i never really knew it was as bad as it was. he never really talked to me about it until friday night. i didn't really push the issue to get further explanation, but he said that i saved his life...that he doesn't know what would have happened to him had we not re-connected (i assume his depression was at a tragic and hopeless level. i knew he drank a lot then and didn't have respect for himself or really anyone else but i guess i didn't understand the severity). he feels that he doesn't necessarily show me the gratitude that he should for this, and that because i've dated losers in the past, i've lowered my standards and that he's just been meeting those standards instead of exceeding them and that i deserve someone who exceeds them. every once and a while he'd say something about being sad, but i would always tell him that he wasn't and that he was just used to thinking that he was sad and listening to leonard cohen and morissey wasn't helping. i made it into a joke. he never sounded serious until friday and he laid next to me in bed just sobbing...telling me about it. i felt like a total asshole. 

i had no intention of posting about this seeing as though it nearly crosses a personal boundary in posting about someone who has no say in what i post, but in addition to it being something that's been weighing heavily on me the last few days, i also couldn't ignore the meaning of this dream and the direct correlation it had to my life.