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friday matt called me - to tell me that he was meeting with dixie to tell her that they can't be friends any more. that night, i got a text from my little spy, liz, that dixie posted a message on facebook saying that she "just lost the most important person in her life and feels like crumbling into nothingness."

she actually said "crumbling into nothingness." how dramatic.

i talked to matt on sunday morning and he said that she kicked him out of the house and was calling him all kinds of names, etc. i'm glad he took care of that right away.

in other awesomeness - for the last maybe 5 or 6 years, matt has gone (as well as i), to a house party at dixie's on halloween and new year's eve. she lives with a bunch of other guys that matt is friends with. amber and i already have plans for new year's and i actually expected him to go to the house party and i would just have to be ok with dixie being there - turns out, that without any provocation from me, he's making alternate plans for new year's and is not going to the house party.

someone's on his best behavior...

*

sidenote: i finally heard back from super tall, hot tattooed guy (geoff) who i met last weekend and sent a facebook message to a week ago.

he said that he wasn't sure how he felt and that he wants to think about it.

what? regardless of matt - if he needs to think that hard about whether or not he wants to grab a drink with me, i'm going to decline my own invitation if he ends up calling.

that's weird.

also: i haven't heard from dean in a week. i'm glad that's done...at least for now. 

so i put twilight on my queue - i didn't want to be a part of the fanaticism surrounding it so i've been avoiding it like the plague.

you know what? i watched it. and it was kinda good. and now i kinda want to see new moon...i think my friends would make fun of me so i've been keeping this to myself.

i want an edward though. he's pretty hot. 

Today's Virgo Horoscope:
Dec 17, 2009

Today you're likely to put a lot of your energy into partnerships, whether business, personal, or romantic. Partnerships are likely to be especially beneficial at this time, dear Virgo, so even if you prefer to work alone, this is the time to explore the possibility of forming partnerships with those who share your ambitions. Romantic partnerships formed or advanced today are likely to prove stable and long-lasting, so don't let fear stand in your way. Move ahead!

let's hope so.

so last night i met up with matt.

we were meeting at this bar called palm...i remembered on the way there that there's no smoking. i picked it because it was chill and quiet. matt smokes, so that's why i bring it up.

i get there, and he's sitting at a table in the corner, reading. i go over to him and he immediately has this borderline sad or ashamed look on his face, coupled with a look of "sight for sore eyes." i mention that i totally forgot he can't smoke, so i told him i'd grab a beer so he could finish his, and we can go across the street to this other bar called lee's lounge because he can smoke.

he insists he doesn't need to smoke, and i gave him the look i always did...and i tell him that's what we're doing. it's a good thing too, because he chain smoked nearly all night.

we talked briefly at palm while finishing up our beers, it was an interesting conversation - small talk with bits of serious, relationship talk peppered in...like something within the small talk would trigger a dialogue about our relationship or the things we used to do together.

the conversation at lee's lounge got a little more weighed down with seriousness.

just to back track a little - over the last year, i've felt like matt hadn't made any effort in our relationship, he was distant and i always felt like i was being taken for granted. there was an odd air between us that we couldn't put our finger on, and seeing as though matt's not really good at contributing to conversations about our relationship, it was never really brought up, at least on his end.

so when matt's band went on tour in september of 2008, it was a little difficult for me. he was out traveling the east coast, partying and having a good time, and i was home alone. when he came home, i made a comment about how if he did this more often that i don't think i would like it...he think that's where things changed for him.

he said that he became distant because he felt like at some point i was going to make him choose between the bands and me...i told him that he could've just talked to me about it. he said that he feels stupid now for thinking that our relationship couldn't withstand a discussion like that - and it's mainly because he avoids confrontation. i do it to, so i can't blame him.

so that's where the disconnect happened.

the cheating thing happened because these feelings just snowballed and he was starting to feel scared and suffocated. he thought that he wanted the lifestyle of his hipster friends - partying, not being accountable to anyone or anything, not having serious relationships, etc. he said that he's learned in the last two months that we've been apart, that what he wanted was dumb. and that he's not doing anything different as a single guy that he did when he was with me, the only thing that's different is that he doesn't have me. he been noticing his friends that are a little older, still doing the same old shit they did when they were 22 and he's starting to see that they're relatively unhappy.

the only thing that i'm not happy about is that during the time after we broke up, when matt thought that i was never going to talk to him again and when there was no chance of us getting back together, he slept with dixie occassionally. i don't like it, but i guess i can't be too upset about it seeing as though at the time he didn't think that we'd be getting back together, ever. he said it was more like filling a void than anything else...still pisses me off.

there's so much more that we talked about, so i won't bore you with the details, but when it comes down to it, he is 100% committed to making this work (because i made sure to ask), starting from scratch and communicating with me in the future about the things that he's concerned with because we both think that all of this could've been avoided had he just talked to me about it.

i told him that he needs to cut off his friendship with dixie and that i need full disclosure. she's always around so i understand that she's not that easy to avoid, but if i hear she was somewhere where he was and he didn't tell me, i will automatically think something is going on. he was totally fine with that.

he walked me to my car...i hugged him for the first time in 2 months. our eyes locked, i quickly looked away and opened my car door...i turned back around to look at him and he said that i better get in my car or he'll kiss me. i told him that i can't say as though i didn't want him to - then he took my face in his hands and kissed me.

i'm hoping for the best. we're starting over. he's taking me out to dinner next wednesday.  

matt - still hasn't gotten his mail forwarded. don't know why - could he really be that lazy? i mean, i know he's forgetful when it comes to actual responsibilities, but seriously. i'm seeing him tomorrow night for a couple drinks and giving him his rather large stack of mail and other miscellaneous crap. wish me luck. i have no idea how this is going to end, but i'm not entirely certain i'll be 100% cordial. i'll have to bite my tongue to keep from being a bitchy.

dean - i think he's gotten the hint now after our little text discussion last night, but he still REALLY wants to be friends with me...ok, fine.

geoff (tall tattooed guy from my date with lame guy) - still haven't heard from him, but he doesn't seem like a frequent facebooker based on his lack of posts on his profile, so he just may not have gotten around to checking it. at least that's what i'm hoping. it has only been a day and a half.

bryan (lame guy from the date where i met tall tattooed guy) - hasn't called, which is good, because i don't want him to. so at least i'm not having to let him down easily or anything.

started hopeless - ended hopeful?

so i met bryan at this bar called blackbird. it was a little awkward - he was a little less attractive than his pictures led me to believe. he grew an unattractive chin goatee thing and i don't think he's gotten a hair cut in a while because it's grown out in such a way that makes his head look triangular.

willing to look past it - it's just a hairdo and facial hair.

so as we're sitting at the bar having a couple beers - i feel as though i'm the one forcing the conversation. the entire night he didn't ask a SINGLE question about me - not about my work, my yoga, my family, my hometown, etc...NOTHING.

so after a couple drinks we went to a place called fire on water to see his friend's band play. i wasn't really interested in hanging out with him any longer, but i thought at least i'd see a band out of it.

oh - not to mention that all he did talk about was alcohol. i understand he's in wine sales, but literally, all of his stories were about being drunk and that's totally unattractive.

so we get to fire on water (it's on a street downtown called water st...clever) and immediately i'm attracted to his friend...he's super tall like i like them - like 6' 6", he's tattooed, which i'm a sucker for, and has the most gorgeous smile with nice teeth. he was filling in for the band's bass player that night who couldn't be there and again, i'm a sucker for those musicians.

(sidenote: i had a previous post about my deja vu, and this guy fits my deja vu image much better. the shape of his face is much more accurate and so is the five o'clock shadow and light colored eyes).

we were catching eachother's eye all night. at the end of the evening, he came over by me and asked me how the show was, gave me a high five and we didn't let our hands go, we brought our hands down and kind of held hands and locked eyes for a minute *sigh*...right in front of bryan, which i felt kinda bad about.

i think bryan knew that we didn't have any chemistry, so i don't think he was that heartbroken.

when i got home that night i wanted to send him (the tall guy, geoff, not bryan) a message, but i wanted to hold off for a while and not let the beer do the talking - and to talk to amber first to make sure i wasn't being stupid.

so last night i sent him a message, saying that bryan and i didn't really have any chemistry and if it's a conflict of interest because he's bryan's friend, i would totally understand, but i was definitely attracted to him and to give me a call if he ever wanted to grab a drink.

he's probably a more dangerous choice of man, and probably the type that i should stay away from - but let's face it, i can't date an ordinary guy, never could - he's got a ton of tattooes, quite a large one on his neck, he seems to be a bit of a flirt, and based on his facebook profile, he's not the well educated, corporate type that i think would be best for me...but truthfully, i find those guys boring, even though i know they would be on more of a similar path as me. i gathered that he's in some sort of construction/masonry type job from things that he was saying about work to a friend and the roughness of his hands.

if anything, he might be fun to hang out with. so the evening wasn't a total loss - hopefully i'll hear from geoff soon-ish. 

so this morning i stop by facebook to make a post about how i wish that they'd make coffee filters easier to separate, and i notice a post that dean left last night.

it was basically saying that he feels bad for all of us in milwaukee because he's in arizona and it's all warm and whatnot. it goes on to say how much he loves arizona because of all the beautiful ladies he met last night and how he's totally moving there.

he called me two days ago and i didn't respond.

so i sent him a text after reading his post and said "sorry i haven't returned your phone call, i've had plans the last few nights. p.s. nice facebook post. see you around i guess."

i know i have no right to be upset - i don't want to date him, i just thought it was tacky and unecessary.

i get a phone call and FOUR text messages about an hour later about how his sister is the one that posted that because his crazy ex is sending him obnoxious texts, etc...how i shouldn't be mad and that i know "damn well" that i'm the only girl he likes and wants to be with, etc.

i didn't respond right away and got ANOTHER text asking if i'm blowing him off and how he wish i wouldn't, how he wants me to call him on my lunch to explain.

i responded that i'm at work and that i'm kind of in the middle of stuff right now. i said that i don't want to deal with the same nonsense from the art museum night, if he says dez (his sister) sent it, then that's fine. i don't need an explanation.

he responded that he would never do anything to jeopardize this (what? me and him?) because he thinks it's going great, etc.

i didn't respond.

then HIS SISTER texts me like a half hour later confirming that she made the post, etc...

geez...talk about drama filled. we're not even dating.

i have deja vu - sometimes to a creepy extent and i'm certain i dream these things. i rarely ever remember my dreams, so when i do, i take note. my aunt also has serious deja vu and i think these types of things run in families. 

i had a dream the other night about being all cutesy and kissy with a guy that wasn't matt. a dream is probably not the right term, but i get still pictures in my head of certain situations that are tied to feelings, so i know if it's a happy situation, a sad one, etc.

the picture i have in my head from the other night was me being face to face with a guy who was a little scruffy and had light hair and blue eyes...like bryan, the guy i'm going out with on saturday. for whatever reason, i remember saying something about how cute he is and there being smiling and sweetness and kisses. i suppose it could be anyone, but it definitely wasn't matt. these "pictures" always come back out of no where when the moment actually presents itself and i have that deja vu feeling.

am i trying to tell myself something?

it's -4 (yes, negative 4) with a -22 (yes, negative 22) windchill.

at least it'll be in the 20s tomorrow.

matt and i have written a couple e-mails back and forth. we're getting together next week wednesday for drinks. he says he has a nervous brick in his stomach - not quite sure why. i told him that i thought i was the one with the nervous brick in my stomach given that the situation we find ourselves in was not my idea.

i have no idea how he's feeling about me other than what he's told me - that he's been thinking about the last six weeks that we've been apart constantly since we just started e-mailing again...is he thinking that he has been content the last six months without me or that he's realized his life without me sucks? not sure. but i guess i'll find out.

in any case, seeing him will be really weird. it's been so long and the last time we were in front of eachother, he was walking out our front door and i was standing in the middle of the living room floor sobbing. we haven't communicated in any way other than letters and e-mails, so i haven't heard his voice in six weeks either.

*

in an effort to keep my options open - just in case matt has no interest in getting back with me - i've been dabbling in internet dating and i actually met a guy that i think is pretty cool.

his name is bryan - he's 29, 6' tall (i'm not fond of short guys because i'm kinda tall so i'm glad he's a good height), he is in sales for a wine distributor and was in ska bands back in the day, which is actually why i started talking to him - because i was in a ska band in high school. turns out that one of the guys that was in my band, was in two of his previous bands so we have a mutual friend.

we became facebook friends the other day and yesterday he started up a chat with me on facebook...we chatted for about 45 minutes. it was really good...he seems totally normal and we're into the same bars, we have the same sense of humor, he uses smiley faces, and we both hate talking on the phone. i know for a fact he has a car, a job and he has roommates so he has an apartment.

we made plans to get together saturday night to grab a drink or two. or three.

i'm not counting on bryan and i hitting it off AND matt wanting me back, but if that ended up being the case, i think i'd have a problem. i almost didn't want to get together with this guy until i met up with matt, but i didn't see the point in that. that would mean i'd be counting on matt to want me back and i've come to the conclusion that i'm fine either way...if he doesn't, i've already become fine with that because i've had to - if he does, then there's a lot of work that needs to be done and it would take a long time for this to become what is was.