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guess who has a date on saturday?

this girl. glad i sent him a text.

ever since dean and i became facebook friends (ex-boyfriend, dean), he's been calling and texting.

today i find out he and his girlfriend just broke up and he wants to go out and celebrate being single this weekend.

crap. crap.

i don't want to date him. he's hot - but he's bad in bed, snores like no one i've ever heard before and had a girlfriend the whole time we were dating, which really is first and foremost.

ugh.

we'll be friends. that's it.

so if a guy asks for your number on saturday, texts you that night with an adorable "sweet dreams...", and you become facebook friends on sunday - when would you expect a call?

haven't heard from him yet...wondering if i should send a cutesy (yet clever) little text or something?

i don't want to appear over eager, but part of me feels like being a little forward couldn't hurt.

thoughts?

i've found the browsing etsy is my new love. if only my bank account could keep up. i have a favorites list longer than my laundry list.

heard from matt. apparently it's taken him this long to get back because my e-mail was a vivid reminder of "how vile" he'd acted and that for the first week he couldn't really bear to face himself. he's been re-reading the e-mail all weekend i guess.

he said that he apologized for sounding so content in his e-mail. i had told him when we broke up that he didn't have the right to be hurt or sad in this, and he didn't want to come across as hurt or sad in the e-mail because the last thing he deserved was empathy.

he told me how much he misses me and sleeps with this heart pillow i had given him. how he cries everyday. how much he hopes that part of me still loves him. i responded and told him that i don' t think it's right that he tells me how much he misses me and loves me because he had the opportunity to stay and i can't be strung along or hold out hope that he'll "learn how to take care of himself" and come back.

i told him that i still don't understand why he broke us up if he loves me as much as he says he does. that if it really is because he can't deal with the guilt of it, then this really is all about him and maybe it's better if i'm with someone who thinks of me once and a while. and if it's because he can't give up being friends (or lovers?) with dixie, than it's even better that we're broken up because i should mean more to him than she does.

i was fine yesterday. i was perfectly fine last night, drinking wine with amber, giggling about aaron (who still hasn't called me). i was fine.

i've quickly become not fine again. i'm sure it'll only last a couple hours, maybe into the evening and i'll return to being ok, but this sucks.

i wish he was in love with dixie. i wish there was a more definitive end to his feelings for me. it makes it so much harder knowing that he feels the same way i do right now. that he loves me and misses me. when i was angry about his last e-mail, i thought that it would make me feel better to know that he's sad and misses me. but i was wrong. it's definitely easier to be angry at him. now i just want to go to where he's living and hug him and tell him we'll make it work. but i can't. i know i can't. i know i can't even let myself think like that. i don't think he really wants me to anyway. shit. 

it turns my stomach to know that one bad decision coupled with stubborness and selfishness has caused the disintegration of an entire 3 year relationship and 10 year friendship and that the people involved are still in love. but i guess i'm just the only one who wants it bad enough to work it out.

*sigh* this is the non-logical, emotional side of me talking right now.

[now returning to your logically scheduled programming] 

dean texted me a little bit ago - like a how's it going, chatty chatty...nonsense.

i hope i didn't unintentionally start something. this time i know for certain he has a girlfriend and he better not think that i'm even remotely interested in him. even though he's super hot. i'm cool with casual friends, not bff's.

*

aaron hasn't gotten in touch with me yet. have i been out of the dating loop long enough that it's become 3 days standard wait time before you call someone instead of 2 days? by my experience, he should've gotten in touch with me yesterday. but maybe he didn't simply because that's what's expected? which i could totally appreciate.

did i mention how much i hate dating?

*

so i was checking out aaron's pictures on facebook - because we're facebook friends now - and i may possibly not find his face as attractive as i had thought (and i most certainly didn't have beer goggles on at the show). nothing major, just a bigger chin and a narrow smile...although i'm totally taken with the icey blue eyes. but i remember this weird physical magnetism i felt like i just wanted to be in close proximity to him. and he smelled good. like clean clothes and fresh deodorant.

*sigh* i guess a first date will tell all. if he calls.

i hate dating. in case you hadn't heard.

one of my ex's got in touch with me on facebook, dean.

he called me last night for the first time in about 2 years or so and we talked for about an hour. i hated him for a while, given that he had a girlfriend for the whole 6 months we were dating, but i'm over it. it was because of him i broke up with a loser i had been dating for 4 years so part of me is thankful he came along. it's been 4 years since we broke up and i'm pretty well over what happened between us. additionally, he had a drug and alcohol problem at the time which he has completely given up due to some serious back surgery and i blame that for his behavior.

so anyway, we talked for about an hour last night. he kind of puts me in my place, but in the best possible way. he told me there's no way i could be over what happened with matt since it hasn't even been two weeks and i need to stop acting as though everything's fine (which i always do). of course i denied that i'm still broken up about it. what he doesn't realize is that it's easy to get over a man who cheats because you write him off as an asshole, what's not easy is getting over having your trust shattered and your heart trampled on, but i wasn't going to argue with him over details. in general, he's right that i'm not over being hurt, but he's wrong in that i do feel as though i am over matt.

he told me it was too early to be hanging out with aaron, the guy from halloween...i argued that we'll just be friends first. dean brings out this defensive and argumentative side to me. i think it's only because i know he's probably right.

he also told me that i need to stop wasting my time working in marketing and if what i really want to do is open a yoga studio, i need to do it immediately. which, is also right...i appreciate a kick in the ass like that...i did get a little defensive when i told him that my current job is really good and i need to pay off student loans before I can throw caution to the wind and open a yoga studio. he told me it was just an excuse for not going for what i wanted, then quickly apologized for being too forward and maybe a little out of line seeing as though we hadn't talked in a few years.

it was actually nice talking to him. never anyone i'd date again, given the whole having-a-girlfriend-thing while we were dating, but i think we can be friends now. what he did was shitty, but i blame it on the drugs and alcohol. he seems really happy and put together now. 

*

amber's coming over tonight. we're going shopping so she can get some fabric, then we're drinking a bottle of shiraz and eating a pizza.

so...matt never responded to my e-mail. i think he got the picture that i'm still pissed. the hurt has subsided and now i'm just mad about it. i think he's understanding that it's best if i stay as far away from him as possible. and i will.

anyway:

halloween was super fabulous. there was a surprise opening act at turner hall and it was matisyahu! it was totally awesome and i had such a good time...even met a nice guy named aaron. he seems very different from matt, which is what i need. he owns a landscaping company (so his body is outrageous), has a degree in marketing and is back in school getting (another?) degree in economics...or his master's, not sure. he's got the super dark hair and icey blue eyes thing going on, which i love. he is two years younger than i am, which is a little weird because i've never dated anyone younger, but he seems to really have his stuff together. watch, he'll probably be living with him mom or something depressing like that...i shouldn't be so negative.

i sucked it up and joined facebook. i definitely think i can stay away from matt's page. it's a matter of will power and if i haven't already, i should be ok. it's been fun contacting people from high school and whatnot. should be amusing, if anything.

packers lost yesterday :( so depressing...

i'm interested in this aaron thing...he's very funny, tall and comes off as being really responsible which would be a breath of fresh air. amber and i had to leave early to go to a party, and he sent me a text at the end of the night that just said "sweet dreams..." i'm a sucker for that shit.

i have to explain to you the awesomeness of tomorrow night. see below:

Halloween

not only is serena ryder playing, whom i've just adored as of late, but they have a fashion show and a ton of awesome artists...there's also a super special musical guest that they aren't releasing until noon tomorrow. uh...and a breakdancing contest...for real.

dude.

i can hardly contain my excitement. not to mention this is the first time i haven't gone to a house party filled with excessive amounts of indie hipsters in the last three years. omg.

wouldn't you know it? got an e-mail from matt this morning...

he sounds wonderful, as if nothing ever happened. i was hoping he'd at least sound a little bummed. it was like we were old pals catching up. it really kind of pissed me off.

my e-mail back to him was a little harsh. i milked it a little to make him feel bad too. whatever - he cheated on me. i'm going to make him feel like crap. i put on this line about how i've never felt so insignificant and low in my life (which was true for the first day or two) and how i pity the next guy who comes along because i'll have some significant trust issues, which is also true, but i really don't think it'll be that bad. i'm stronger than that now, but definitely more cautious.

i think it might've been a little too early to get an e-mail from him, although i asked him to send me one to let me know he was ok. i was certain he was going to go off the deep end, and part of me was hoping that he would, but in a non-life-threatening kind of way. instead, his e-mail was light and airy - telling me about how he has found a place to live and that his week has been mostly about moving in and going to work [read: not feeling like crap about what he's done]. and about how he's finally gotten himself a working alarm clock because he doesn't have me there to wake him up every morning. how wonderful for him.

i tried to play up my social life like i was meeting all kinds of fabulous people in an effort to make him jealous seeing as though he's not feeling as regretful as i would like him to be. and it's not necessarily untrue, tonight i might be going to a party with amber, tomorrow night is the party at turner hall ballroom and there's apparently another party after that - and there's the lakefront brewery tour on friday...

i am going to smile at cute boys all weekend. that's the plan. if i get hit on once i'll be happy.

actually, i went to the doctor's this morning and there was a cute guy in the parking lot, so i smiled at him and he smiled back. it made me feel good...like a reminder that i won't be single forever and that all hope's not lost, you know?

man - do i wish matt felt like shit right now. ah well, i guess if i had gotten what i wanted from this then i wouldn't be feeling too crappy right now either. i just lost this one.